Well. I have this blog thing. And a computer and keyboard and fingers and a brain that enjoys thinking and philosophizing and producing words for the blog thing.
But sometimes I don't use any of it. for a long time. for more than a year.
And then I re-discover it all and say to myself, my God! So much has changed, and yet so much has stayed the same.
***
I never went to the Rinpoche group in Amsterdam. I got a comment on my previous blog entry almost immediately, from a complete stranger (boy, I wonder how that happened...), warning me that Rinpoche was a fraud. I googled. I found enough questionable information to make me throw up my hands in despair.
I put down the book.
I got really angry at myself for being such a worthless channel that I couldn't even pick up the correct signals from someone sitting next to me.
I decided that every single person who appears at first glance to be relatively enlightened or spiritual is probably a fraud.
I decided that I wasn't going to read any more spiritual books or do any more meditation or hope to meet any other spiritual people. And I was going to keep my own channeling to a minimum because I didn't know what to trust. Basically, I was disillusioned and confused and frustrated and I decided to just leave and slam the door behind me.
I focused on other things. I worked more on the business proposal for the house in Bunnik. After a while, I gave up on that, too. We just weren't getting any support from "the Universe" for the project. I wondered if I had been mislead by a faulty intuition into pursuing the whole thing from the beginning. We remained extremely frustrated with the house we were living in and that whole situation. I went back to searching relentlessly on the internet for another place to live... and finally we found something, all the way in Belgium. That will be the topic for my next blog entry.
But here I am, back at the blog thing, and I have to make a segue from my last entry. Which means I had to actually read my last entry again. And... and.... It isn't so bad, after all. Did I really need to slam the door? The words I channeled from Rinpoche sound pretty wise, actually. The words from the man, about the spear in his back -- that resonates. I can try to remember how I felt at the conference, the "flattened by a boulder" experience. It was good. It was real. But ok, Rinpoche is apparently not the man he says he is, and apparently I couldn't feel it at all. So how is that possible?
Maybe the "enlightened" part of a spiritual leader is always (or often) counterbalanced by an "unenlightened" part -- so that they are all more or less schizophrenic. It would make sense, in a way. If a person's spiritual side (associated with their 7th chakra) is highly developed, but their lower chakras are not, maybe the lower chakras won't be able to "carry the weight" and they'll go all out of whack. This is a message I've heard a lot from my Guides and also read in various places. Tall trees need deep roots. We incarnate on Earth in physical form to have a physical experience, and if we only have a mental or spiritual experience, it is not healthy. Constant video gaming and text messaging is not healthy for children. Monks of all faiths don't just learn their scriptures by heart, they sweep their compounds and work in their gardens.
So maybe Rinpoche (and other spiritual leaders before him that I've become disillusioned about) really do have strong 7th chakra development, but their lower chakras are suffering from it. Especially the first chakra (physicality/grounding -- perhaps leading to weight problems and other physical symptoms), the second chakra (creativity/sexuality -- perhaps leading to the sexual perversions that are so common among spiritual leaders) and the third chakra (power -- perhaps leading to troubles with dominance, repression of followers, etc., also common among spiritual leaders.) And if I attempt to make a channeling connection to someone, naturally I'm connecting with them at the 7th chakra. Although I wouldn't have to, I suppose... it is just a default setting, I think. If I go into a library and I want information about plant diseases, I'm not going to head over to the murder-mystery section. Especially if there is a huge and complete display of plant disease books right by the front door.
I'm going to experiment here. What if I consciously make the intention to connect to Rinpoche at the lower chakras. Does it feel good? No. It makes me nauseous. And if I try again at the 7th chakra? It feels beautiful and wise and loving. Wow. What a difference. Now, I'm going to ask Rinpoche at the 7th chakra, does he know what is going on? Does he have any wise words?
"I could be dead tomorrow. It is important for me, in this incarnation, to bring as much love and light into the world as I can, immediately. I have chosen, at the soul level, to work only at the 7th chakra and to neglect the lower chakras, even though this will have negative consequences for me and perhaps for the people closest to me. I do not feel what is happening in the rest of my body. This is unhealthy -- but I have no choice. You tell me that I am diabetic and that various female followers have accused me of mistreating them, and that is quite possible. I am willing to pay the price for this, at the karmic level. You ask if I am sorry... but I have no regrets. It is so important, what I am doing for the world, at an energetic level. Any followers who are hurt by my actions have agreed to this, at the soul level. It is all in our contracts with each other. I love them, and they love me. I hope that they will learn what they need to learn from their experiences, as soon as possible, and change their relationship with me. They can safely connect to me the way you are now, via the 7th chakra, to experience the "boulder", to learn other spiritual techniques and lessons. Perhaps they can access my energy directly, so that we become "one mind", the way I did with the co-author of my book. Trying to connect with me at other levels is not wise for them, although if everyone was wise enough to avoid that kind of connection with me, it would be very lonely for me."
"And one more thing: I'm glad that you slammed the door and took a break from spirituality and channeling. I hope you can keep your lower chakras strong and stay connected with your whole body. It isn't necessary for you to develop the way I did -- you can have your boulder and eat it too!"
Ha. He has a nice sense of humor, up there at the 7th chakra....
So, ok, it all sounds kind of reasonable, and I'm glad about that, and ready to move on to a blog about our new house. After dinner.
Friday, September 10, 2010
Sunday, June 21, 2009
update from Sunday 21 june
Well, today is Sunday June 21st, the summer solstice. Another time for transformation? I don't know. I think transformation is overrated. Or at least not something to get too excited about, because you just never know where life is headed in the end.
One week ago, Sunday the 14th, I had a miscarriage. It threatened for 3 days, so I had some time to adjust mentally and emotionally. I spent the whole day Saturday just sitting outside in our garden, reading and enjoying the sunshine. It was actually very peaceful and lovely. I was reading "The Tibetan Book of Living and Dying" -- so much better than the silly novel I commented on in my last blog. I would set it down every few minutes in order to think about what the author was saying, and to share the thoughts with the baby. Very deep. So even though that weekend was one of the saddest in my life, it was also one of the happiest. I really felt like I was connected to what matters, that my perspective on life was expanded. The sea is still as rough and stormy as ever, but my lifeboat is larger and it doesn't toss and turn as much.
Since I took a few paragraphs to describe the silly novel in my last entry, I'm definitely going to take some space here to write about The Tibetan Book of Living and Dying. This blog is ostensibly about our dream house in Bunnik, yes, but really this is the essence of it all. Living and dying. Living well and dying well. And moving to Bunnik and setting up a center there -- that is just a little potential adventure in this particular lifetime, and not really so important.
Sogyal Rinpoche is a Tibetan monk who left Tibet many years ago and now travels and lectures throughout the world. He wrote "The Tibetan Book of Living and Dying" in 1993 and it has lived for at least ten years in my favorite bookcase of favorite books (next to books by the Dalai Lama, Thich Nhat Hanh, Deepak Chopra, Lao Tse, Joseph Campbell, Eckhart Tolle, etc.) But for some reason I had never read it.
On Friday June 5th, I went to the Hague to take part in a conference called "Leadership for a Sustainable World." The guest speakers included a member of the Dutch royal family, CEO's of Dutch banks and companies, a former Dutch prime minister, a famous Dutch TV celebrity, the Dalai Lama and Sogyal Rinpoche. It was quite impressive, seeing all those people together, everyone talking about how we need to take advantage of the current crisis, and see how our greed and short-sightedness is ruining our society and the planet.
But the presentation by Sogyal Rinpoche was the part that made the deepest impression on me. He didn't say anything particularly unusual or different (Spirituality is really "my thing" -- it would be quite amazing if a speaker could say something spiritual that I've never heard or read before.) Even the way he said it -- that was very good and very special, but also not different. But Who He Was as he spoke, and as he led the audience in a short meditation -- it was like a boulder fell out of the heavens and flattened me on the ground. What he said was True, and who he was himself did not contradict anything he said, at any level, energetically. Wow. I was shaking and tears were running down my face and it was all I could do to "hold myself together" until his presentation was over. Amazing.
So when I got home, I thought it must be time to read his book now. I was nervous though. It took me about a week before I got it off the shelf. I've had some trouble in the past with spiritual leaders and spiritual movements. What typically happens is that I connect with someone with whom I share a deep spiritual understanding (for example: attachment is the root of suffering) and we talk. The person says he studies and meditates with a certain group following a certain practice and wouldn't I like to join? I say to myself, cool, a community of like-minded individuals, that would be nice. Then I read some of their literature or their website or meet some others in the group and it gives me a knot in my stomach. The words are good, and some of the people feel good, but mostly the whole thing feels artificial. It is as if the disciples of the particular school have figured out that having a flashy expensive sports car which impresses all the neighbors will not get them to heaven -- so they've traded the car in for a signed photo of their spiritual leader and a certificate congratulating them for meditating 3 hours daily for the last 10 years. In order to impress all the neighbors with how rich... er, spiritual... they are.
Is it better to hang out with the owner of a fancy sports car who doesn't claim to be spiritual, or with man who has given all his wealth to charity, meditates hours every day, and claims to be spiritual even though I'm not sure I really believe it? Heh heh, I can answer that question already, thank you Rinpoche for reminding me....
Here is the essence of Rinpoche's teachings:
Everyone dies.
No one knows when they will die.
If you stay aware of those two facts all the time, you will appreciate every moment that you are alive. You will be present.
You will also have compassion for every person you meet -- that person, like you, could be dead tomorrow.
The answer to my rhetorical question above is very simple: Just "be" with the person you are with, whether he is a rich man who is learning about charity, or a spiritual man who is learning about authenticity. We are all mortals, learning about something. We are all going to die. We need to support each other.
Yes, eventually I found the courage to open Rinpoche's book and happily it hasn't given me any knots in my stomach. Happily it has also not turned me into a weak-kneed hero-worshipper. I haven't gotten any urges to shave my head, don orange robes, and study up on Buddhist folklore. I like what I'm reading. I feel like Sogyal Rinpoche and I were friends in past lives. I feel (through the energetic connection I make with him while reading his words) that we respect and understand each other, and that we both have the urge to laugh out loud... at the world and at ourselves, for how difficult we make things sometimes. Life is actually so simple.
But I am also inspired, because I see that I need to remind myself of the Truth rather often, and he seems to have continuous access to it. Here is an illustration: after his presentation, Rinpoche came to sit at a table in the audience. It happened to be the table next to the table where I was sitting (I listened very carefully to my Guides when I was choosing where to sit!) Our chairs were next to each other, so at a quiet moment I turned to him and thanked him for his presentation. We ended up chatting a while about nothing in particular -- that his main center is in France, but there are also groups in the Netherlands that he supports, and there are programs for regular folks like me as well as for serious followers. That sort of thing. At one point, another person from my table came over and asked very humbly if he could ask a question. First, he pointed out that young people these days are more and more selfish, and less concerned about the environment, and constantly busy with violent video games -- then he asked, how did Rinpoche think that we could work with these young people to make them more spiritually aware? Rinpoche gave the perfect answer: He smiled, he chuckled, he said he would sit with the youngsters, talk with them and play with them. Whatever the "answer" was, it should be even more fun/interesting than what is attractive to the children at the moment.
My response, in my head, was much longer and more troubling. I'm only coming to the Truth now, as I write about it three weeks after the fact.
In my head: why is this man being so obsequious? Boy, that would drive me crazy if I was some sort of spiritual leader, everyone treating me like a god. I hate it when some people are on pedestals or insist that other people get on pedestals. Why can't we all smile and say "namaste" to each other -- I greet the god-spirit within you. Humility isn't the same as groveling. And now listen to his question! Geez. He might as well ask, "how can we solve world hunger?" Does he expect Rinpoche to flip a switch and channel a perfect treatise directly from the Buddha? Any decent answer would require a half hour discussion, at a minimum.
But maybe he doesn't really want an answer... maybe he just wants to impress Rinpoche with a deep and meaningful question, because he is afraid of appearing frivolous. Or maybe he's like one of the people who questioned the Dalai Lama: why does he think the Chinese consider him a demon? You know the reason why someone would ask such a silly question -- because he wants to hear the Dalai Lama talk about how the Chinese are ignorant or misguided or materialistic, implicitly suggesting that the questioner is much more enlightened and open-hearted. But the Dalai Lama gave the perfect answer: he smiled, he chuckled, his raised his pointed index fingers next to his head and said, "maybe it's because of my horns?"
And look at the premise behind this new question: all young people today are selfish. I don't believe it. What a thing to say. We are aware and responsible, but they are not? That sounds very black & white, very judgmental to me. And now what? Now that we have judged them to be insufficient, we need a good way to punish them, and then a way to manipulate them into being the sort of people we want them to be? And of course, it shouldn't be fun or interesting... these youngsters are already too self-indulgent. We have to make life harder for them... ugh. What's wrong with this man? Is he bitter about how his own childhood was much harder than those of kids today? Does he have children of his own that he can't manipulate or control and he thinks the trouble is that he needs a stronger method for manipulation?
Ah. Rinpoche is giving a very soft and loving answer. He isn't buying into the premise that the kids are unreachable. He is answering with humor. His energy doesn't indicate that he was annoyed about being put on a pedestal, although it also doesn't indicate that he wants to be there. He doesn't have anything in his energy that seems to want to correct the man for his question, although his energy also doesn't indicate that he enjoys "life, the universe and everything" questions. His energy feels loving and kind.... but... but.... maybe I'm wrong. Maybe I can't really tell. Maybe he isn't aware of all these dynamics -- the false humility, the hero-worshipping, the negative judgments, the projection of one's own shortcomings onto others, the need for control. If he is actually aware of all that, how can he not show any annoyance?
So, as I'm writing this, I'm asking him (or his Soul, at some level, I'm not quite sure how this channeling stuff works) is he annoyed by these sorts of questions? Here is his answer:
"No, Emily, I am not annoyed. Yes, I see when people are asking serious questions in order not to seem frivolous. I see how they try to earn my attention and respect by insisting that I am a greater person than they are. I see how they long desperately for approval, for forgiveness, for protection. And I am a human being -- I can get angry or annoyed just like you. But when I feel it coming, or when I can foresee the possibility of these emotions arising in the near future, I focus on my boat (to borrow from your metaphor above.) If I remember -- I am a human being and this person is a human being and either one of us could be dead tomorrow -- then the inclination to get angry melts away. If I let myself get annoyed, and from that space I say something critical, the person will be hurt. If I let myself get annoyed, and yet through self-discipline say kind words, those words will ring false. If I recognize my annoyance and immediately let it melt away, then my kind words will ring with Truth, and that will help the "annoying" person much more than criticism."
So, I am thinking about this annoying man and his annoying question some more and trying to get un-annoyed about it now (realizing that ideally that process should take a second or two, not three weeks.) I'm concentrating on my lifeboat, my awareness of death, and imagining that this man is a patient of mine. We have an hour to let go of judgments, to look perhaps at his past lives and past deaths in a loving and non-judgmental way... and I'm asking him now, why did you ask Rinpoche that question?
"I know it was a dumb question. It was too complicated for anyone to answer in 2 minutes, even if they could channel Buddha. But I didn't ask him in order to impress him, or because I just wanted any excuse to talk to him. Can you see? There's this spear in my back. I'm in pain. I'm being driven forward by someone whose face I can't see." I see the spear, and I feel only love and sympathy for this man, who is about to die. He's been marching for days with no food or water, at the point of a spear. He's in a delirium. He is so exhausted, he wants to die, and yet he is afraid of death. I'm not annoyed any more. He needed to hear a kind word from a man who isn't afraid of death, in order to release the weight of this terrible past. It didn't matter what kind word it was, or what topic it was related to. Rinpoche probably didn't see these past life images, but it didn't matter because he is more continuously in touch with the Truth.
How can I be more continuously in touch with the Truth? This is something I want to figure out. And I know it doesn't require 3 hours of meditation a day. Rinpoche was very clear, in Chapter 5 of his book, that meditation is a technique for bringing the mind home, making the waters still, so the dirt settles out and you can see, think, and act clearly. There are techniques within the technique -- focusing on the breath or on a mantra, for example. But the goal is to be able to see, think and act clearly -- that's all that's important. If a person could reach that goal by pinching their left ear lobe instead of by sitting-down-on-his-cushion-and-meditating-for-an-hour, he should pinch his ear and throw away his cushion, for goodness sake. (and having pinched his ear, it would look to everyone else like he is in a watchful meditation, at peace, seeing clearly....)
For me, pinching my earlobe has no effect, but if I take a moment to "make a deep channeling connection" to "the flattened-by-a-boulder feeling I had in Den Haag" or to "a leaf in my garden", then I am already there. Shaking. Tears running down my face out of pure joy at being alive. If this experience isn't being in touch with the Truth, I don't know what is. I can't imagine anything more profound or amazing or joyful. But I can't stay there continuously. It is too overwhelming, for me and especially for other people, I would imagine. If I see a neighbor letting his dog poop in front of our house, right in front of the no-dog-pooping sign .... "you don't have to burst into tears and go hug the man and tell him how sorry you are that he was sold into prostitution at age 10 in ancient Greece!" Uh oh, Rinpoche is teasing me! "Don't panic, there are techniques for working with the energy you have contacted so that you can also live in the so-called real world. Keep reading in the book, and follow through on the Dutch contacts I gave you, and don't push yourself to contact that place if part of you is also saying, whoa, this is too much."
OK, I think that is good advice. Next week there is an open meditation evening at the Rigpa headquarters in Amsterdam and I'm planning to go....
Maybe I'll have something to write about it for the next entry? Or maybe something actually about the house in Bunnik?
One week ago, Sunday the 14th, I had a miscarriage. It threatened for 3 days, so I had some time to adjust mentally and emotionally. I spent the whole day Saturday just sitting outside in our garden, reading and enjoying the sunshine. It was actually very peaceful and lovely. I was reading "The Tibetan Book of Living and Dying" -- so much better than the silly novel I commented on in my last blog. I would set it down every few minutes in order to think about what the author was saying, and to share the thoughts with the baby. Very deep. So even though that weekend was one of the saddest in my life, it was also one of the happiest. I really felt like I was connected to what matters, that my perspective on life was expanded. The sea is still as rough and stormy as ever, but my lifeboat is larger and it doesn't toss and turn as much.
Since I took a few paragraphs to describe the silly novel in my last entry, I'm definitely going to take some space here to write about The Tibetan Book of Living and Dying. This blog is ostensibly about our dream house in Bunnik, yes, but really this is the essence of it all. Living and dying. Living well and dying well. And moving to Bunnik and setting up a center there -- that is just a little potential adventure in this particular lifetime, and not really so important.
Sogyal Rinpoche is a Tibetan monk who left Tibet many years ago and now travels and lectures throughout the world. He wrote "The Tibetan Book of Living and Dying" in 1993 and it has lived for at least ten years in my favorite bookcase of favorite books (next to books by the Dalai Lama, Thich Nhat Hanh, Deepak Chopra, Lao Tse, Joseph Campbell, Eckhart Tolle, etc.) But for some reason I had never read it.
On Friday June 5th, I went to the Hague to take part in a conference called "Leadership for a Sustainable World." The guest speakers included a member of the Dutch royal family, CEO's of Dutch banks and companies, a former Dutch prime minister, a famous Dutch TV celebrity, the Dalai Lama and Sogyal Rinpoche. It was quite impressive, seeing all those people together, everyone talking about how we need to take advantage of the current crisis, and see how our greed and short-sightedness is ruining our society and the planet.
But the presentation by Sogyal Rinpoche was the part that made the deepest impression on me. He didn't say anything particularly unusual or different (Spirituality is really "my thing" -- it would be quite amazing if a speaker could say something spiritual that I've never heard or read before.) Even the way he said it -- that was very good and very special, but also not different. But Who He Was as he spoke, and as he led the audience in a short meditation -- it was like a boulder fell out of the heavens and flattened me on the ground. What he said was True, and who he was himself did not contradict anything he said, at any level, energetically. Wow. I was shaking and tears were running down my face and it was all I could do to "hold myself together" until his presentation was over. Amazing.
So when I got home, I thought it must be time to read his book now. I was nervous though. It took me about a week before I got it off the shelf. I've had some trouble in the past with spiritual leaders and spiritual movements. What typically happens is that I connect with someone with whom I share a deep spiritual understanding (for example: attachment is the root of suffering) and we talk. The person says he studies and meditates with a certain group following a certain practice and wouldn't I like to join? I say to myself, cool, a community of like-minded individuals, that would be nice. Then I read some of their literature or their website or meet some others in the group and it gives me a knot in my stomach. The words are good, and some of the people feel good, but mostly the whole thing feels artificial. It is as if the disciples of the particular school have figured out that having a flashy expensive sports car which impresses all the neighbors will not get them to heaven -- so they've traded the car in for a signed photo of their spiritual leader and a certificate congratulating them for meditating 3 hours daily for the last 10 years. In order to impress all the neighbors with how rich... er, spiritual... they are.
Is it better to hang out with the owner of a fancy sports car who doesn't claim to be spiritual, or with man who has given all his wealth to charity, meditates hours every day, and claims to be spiritual even though I'm not sure I really believe it? Heh heh, I can answer that question already, thank you Rinpoche for reminding me....
Here is the essence of Rinpoche's teachings:
Everyone dies.
No one knows when they will die.
If you stay aware of those two facts all the time, you will appreciate every moment that you are alive. You will be present.
You will also have compassion for every person you meet -- that person, like you, could be dead tomorrow.
The answer to my rhetorical question above is very simple: Just "be" with the person you are with, whether he is a rich man who is learning about charity, or a spiritual man who is learning about authenticity. We are all mortals, learning about something. We are all going to die. We need to support each other.
Yes, eventually I found the courage to open Rinpoche's book and happily it hasn't given me any knots in my stomach. Happily it has also not turned me into a weak-kneed hero-worshipper. I haven't gotten any urges to shave my head, don orange robes, and study up on Buddhist folklore. I like what I'm reading. I feel like Sogyal Rinpoche and I were friends in past lives. I feel (through the energetic connection I make with him while reading his words) that we respect and understand each other, and that we both have the urge to laugh out loud... at the world and at ourselves, for how difficult we make things sometimes. Life is actually so simple.
But I am also inspired, because I see that I need to remind myself of the Truth rather often, and he seems to have continuous access to it. Here is an illustration: after his presentation, Rinpoche came to sit at a table in the audience. It happened to be the table next to the table where I was sitting (I listened very carefully to my Guides when I was choosing where to sit!) Our chairs were next to each other, so at a quiet moment I turned to him and thanked him for his presentation. We ended up chatting a while about nothing in particular -- that his main center is in France, but there are also groups in the Netherlands that he supports, and there are programs for regular folks like me as well as for serious followers. That sort of thing. At one point, another person from my table came over and asked very humbly if he could ask a question. First, he pointed out that young people these days are more and more selfish, and less concerned about the environment, and constantly busy with violent video games -- then he asked, how did Rinpoche think that we could work with these young people to make them more spiritually aware? Rinpoche gave the perfect answer: He smiled, he chuckled, he said he would sit with the youngsters, talk with them and play with them. Whatever the "answer" was, it should be even more fun/interesting than what is attractive to the children at the moment.
My response, in my head, was much longer and more troubling. I'm only coming to the Truth now, as I write about it three weeks after the fact.
In my head: why is this man being so obsequious? Boy, that would drive me crazy if I was some sort of spiritual leader, everyone treating me like a god. I hate it when some people are on pedestals or insist that other people get on pedestals. Why can't we all smile and say "namaste" to each other -- I greet the god-spirit within you. Humility isn't the same as groveling. And now listen to his question! Geez. He might as well ask, "how can we solve world hunger?" Does he expect Rinpoche to flip a switch and channel a perfect treatise directly from the Buddha? Any decent answer would require a half hour discussion, at a minimum.
But maybe he doesn't really want an answer... maybe he just wants to impress Rinpoche with a deep and meaningful question, because he is afraid of appearing frivolous. Or maybe he's like one of the people who questioned the Dalai Lama: why does he think the Chinese consider him a demon? You know the reason why someone would ask such a silly question -- because he wants to hear the Dalai Lama talk about how the Chinese are ignorant or misguided or materialistic, implicitly suggesting that the questioner is much more enlightened and open-hearted. But the Dalai Lama gave the perfect answer: he smiled, he chuckled, his raised his pointed index fingers next to his head and said, "maybe it's because of my horns?"
And look at the premise behind this new question: all young people today are selfish. I don't believe it. What a thing to say. We are aware and responsible, but they are not? That sounds very black & white, very judgmental to me. And now what? Now that we have judged them to be insufficient, we need a good way to punish them, and then a way to manipulate them into being the sort of people we want them to be? And of course, it shouldn't be fun or interesting... these youngsters are already too self-indulgent. We have to make life harder for them... ugh. What's wrong with this man? Is he bitter about how his own childhood was much harder than those of kids today? Does he have children of his own that he can't manipulate or control and he thinks the trouble is that he needs a stronger method for manipulation?
Ah. Rinpoche is giving a very soft and loving answer. He isn't buying into the premise that the kids are unreachable. He is answering with humor. His energy doesn't indicate that he was annoyed about being put on a pedestal, although it also doesn't indicate that he wants to be there. He doesn't have anything in his energy that seems to want to correct the man for his question, although his energy also doesn't indicate that he enjoys "life, the universe and everything" questions. His energy feels loving and kind.... but... but.... maybe I'm wrong. Maybe I can't really tell. Maybe he isn't aware of all these dynamics -- the false humility, the hero-worshipping, the negative judgments, the projection of one's own shortcomings onto others, the need for control. If he is actually aware of all that, how can he not show any annoyance?
So, as I'm writing this, I'm asking him (or his Soul, at some level, I'm not quite sure how this channeling stuff works) is he annoyed by these sorts of questions? Here is his answer:
"No, Emily, I am not annoyed. Yes, I see when people are asking serious questions in order not to seem frivolous. I see how they try to earn my attention and respect by insisting that I am a greater person than they are. I see how they long desperately for approval, for forgiveness, for protection. And I am a human being -- I can get angry or annoyed just like you. But when I feel it coming, or when I can foresee the possibility of these emotions arising in the near future, I focus on my boat (to borrow from your metaphor above.) If I remember -- I am a human being and this person is a human being and either one of us could be dead tomorrow -- then the inclination to get angry melts away. If I let myself get annoyed, and from that space I say something critical, the person will be hurt. If I let myself get annoyed, and yet through self-discipline say kind words, those words will ring false. If I recognize my annoyance and immediately let it melt away, then my kind words will ring with Truth, and that will help the "annoying" person much more than criticism."
So, I am thinking about this annoying man and his annoying question some more and trying to get un-annoyed about it now (realizing that ideally that process should take a second or two, not three weeks.) I'm concentrating on my lifeboat, my awareness of death, and imagining that this man is a patient of mine. We have an hour to let go of judgments, to look perhaps at his past lives and past deaths in a loving and non-judgmental way... and I'm asking him now, why did you ask Rinpoche that question?
"I know it was a dumb question. It was too complicated for anyone to answer in 2 minutes, even if they could channel Buddha. But I didn't ask him in order to impress him, or because I just wanted any excuse to talk to him. Can you see? There's this spear in my back. I'm in pain. I'm being driven forward by someone whose face I can't see." I see the spear, and I feel only love and sympathy for this man, who is about to die. He's been marching for days with no food or water, at the point of a spear. He's in a delirium. He is so exhausted, he wants to die, and yet he is afraid of death. I'm not annoyed any more. He needed to hear a kind word from a man who isn't afraid of death, in order to release the weight of this terrible past. It didn't matter what kind word it was, or what topic it was related to. Rinpoche probably didn't see these past life images, but it didn't matter because he is more continuously in touch with the Truth.
How can I be more continuously in touch with the Truth? This is something I want to figure out. And I know it doesn't require 3 hours of meditation a day. Rinpoche was very clear, in Chapter 5 of his book, that meditation is a technique for bringing the mind home, making the waters still, so the dirt settles out and you can see, think, and act clearly. There are techniques within the technique -- focusing on the breath or on a mantra, for example. But the goal is to be able to see, think and act clearly -- that's all that's important. If a person could reach that goal by pinching their left ear lobe instead of by sitting-down-on-his-cushion-and-meditating-for-an-hour, he should pinch his ear and throw away his cushion, for goodness sake. (and having pinched his ear, it would look to everyone else like he is in a watchful meditation, at peace, seeing clearly....)
For me, pinching my earlobe has no effect, but if I take a moment to "make a deep channeling connection" to "the flattened-by-a-boulder feeling I had in Den Haag" or to "a leaf in my garden", then I am already there. Shaking. Tears running down my face out of pure joy at being alive. If this experience isn't being in touch with the Truth, I don't know what is. I can't imagine anything more profound or amazing or joyful. But I can't stay there continuously. It is too overwhelming, for me and especially for other people, I would imagine. If I see a neighbor letting his dog poop in front of our house, right in front of the no-dog-pooping sign .... "you don't have to burst into tears and go hug the man and tell him how sorry you are that he was sold into prostitution at age 10 in ancient Greece!" Uh oh, Rinpoche is teasing me! "Don't panic, there are techniques for working with the energy you have contacted so that you can also live in the so-called real world. Keep reading in the book, and follow through on the Dutch contacts I gave you, and don't push yourself to contact that place if part of you is also saying, whoa, this is too much."
OK, I think that is good advice. Next week there is an open meditation evening at the Rigpa headquarters in Amsterdam and I'm planning to go....
Maybe I'll have something to write about it for the next entry? Or maybe something actually about the house in Bunnik?
Wednesday, June 3, 2009
update June 3
Well, I'm back in front of the screen after 3 computer-free days. We were visiting friends in Belgium for the long weekend, and they do have a computer there that I can use, but it isn't QWERTY and that makes me crazy. So I took a book.
Although this doesn't really have anything to do with our house or our plans, I do have to write one paragraph (or two) about that book. "Stern men" by Elizabeth Gilbert. I didn't like it. Of course, I had to finish it, because I'm like that... if I walk into a room and there's a really stupid TV show on, I always get sucked in and end up watching to the end. But with a TV show, it's usually just an hour or two that's wasted. For this whole book, it was 6 hours or so, wasted. Very depressing.
Why didn't I like it? It was well-written, sure. But the plot was centered around a community of lobster fishermen, most of whom were small-minded, distrustful, arrogant, ignorant, etc., including the heroine. In the last chapter, the heroine makes a transformation, which in turn tranforms much of the community -- a "feel good" ending, even if it isn't very believeable. But 274 out of 287 pages were pre-transformation. Ugh. Nothing uplifting or thought-provoking. Just page after page, with me reading as fast as I can, hoping that one character or another will stop being so clueless. But no. Sigh.
My life, I'm happy to say, is full of transformations. It could be said that there are too many transformations, too much chaos, too many interests and activities. But at least I'm not in a rut, doing the same thing over and over again, expecting sometime to get a different result.
With the house in Bunnik, it even looks like the changes and developments are actually leading somewhere useful. And it looks like (with some adjustments to our planning) we'll still be able to do it with a new baby. THAT was quite a transformation -- after 5 years of trying to get pregnant, we finally gave up and decided to focus on other things, and then, surprise! I'm just 8 weeks along, and anything can happen, but so far I feel great.
On May 20th, we met with our contact at the Rabobank. He had read our whole plan and had a sheet with comments on it to share with us. First he said that the plan was just about the most comprehensive and detailed plan he had ever seen. If anything, it contained too much information -- only because of the time it took to read it. (But the parts that we could have left out, as far as a bank is concerned, are just the parts that make it unique and interesting to a private investor, so I don't feel like it was a waste of time to write it all.)
His comments were all useful and it won't be too difficult to make the changes. Some things, like a month-by-month liquiditeitsprognose for the first two years, need to be written up by an accountant. But happily, Koert-Jan (our investor-finder helper) is also an accountant and he said those tables wouldn't be hard to do. It will help, though, if we first figure out the exact worth of the house with an appraisal. So I am working on that now. Once we have an appraisal, we can figure out the execution value of the house (what it would raise in a forced sale). That is typically 85% of the fair market value, and the bank is prepared to loan 90% of that (or 76% of the fair market value). The rest (24% of the fair market value, plus our investment costs, plus or minus any difference between the fair market value and the price we agree on with the owners) is what we need to raise ourselves (with help from Koert-Jan.)
Now, because we are a start-up business, there is some extra help available from the goverment in the form of a state-guaranteed loan, which the Rabobank could arrange for us. It won't cover the whole remainder (we still need to bring in around 30%) but it could add a few 100,000's so that we would need less from private investors. The conditions are rather strenuous -- you have to be able to show that you can pay off all the bank and state-guaranteed loans within 12 years. Our projections show that we could do this -- but, our projections need a little more support, according to the Rabobank. They would ideally like to see a list of users who are willing to commit ahead of time to renting various rooms. I'm working on that part, but it is a bit troublesome. How do you get companies and organisations to commit to renting a space that they haven't seen and that doesn't even exist yet? I've got one guy, though, through LinkedIn, who says he's willing to "commit" to 50 days per year for his trainings. Apparently, they book all their trainings at least 6 months in advance and still have trouble finding locations sometimes and have to cancel their programs. So, I am hopeful that I can put together a list.
In the meantime, I've also talked with a few contacts (again through LinkedIn, what a useful forum!) about other possibilities. A woman who is an artist and trainer (Mieke) told me how art expositions typically work. In a building like Het Huis aan de Brug, we could set up new exhibitions every 6 weeks or so. We would arrange the lighting, etc., the publicity, the opening (which we could combine with a concert or other activity), and then we could ask for 15-20% of what the artist earns on sales. She also knows a woman who organizes art fairs, where many artists come together in one location, with booths and displays and such. That all sounds like a lot of fun, as well as a way to add a little income. And also a nice way to meet artists who might like to do a course or workshop in one of our rooms.
After talking to another contact, Sander, we've decided to set aside one of the rooms as a practice room and rent it out specifically to other therapists. At first I thought this would be a problem, because of course you can't ask a therapist (doing several one-on-one sessions with people for maybe 60 Euro per session) to pay as much as a business holding a team-building activity. But, I found a practice room in a location in De Bilt where they are doing just that: morning, afternoon, and evening blocks, 7 days a week, with therapists signing up for a particular block and commiting to 3 months of use. Their room is *completely* booked (except for some openings on Saturday and Sunday) and they have a waiting list. So.... we might not earn as much per block as we would from businesses, but we can make up for that with a very high occupancy rate. And then it would work, financially. This is very cool, because I really like the idea of having different therapists working together under our roof (sharing ideas, clients, advertising, etc.)
The last "transformation" happened yesterday, when Paulus was talking with our friends Edi and Annelies at the Ledig Erf. I sent them the link to the latest version of our plan, last week, and they've had a chance to look at it... and they are seriously interested in investing with us! Wow! For them, I need to do a bit more research, because they see a lot of unused potential. With their help (specifically guidance on how to hire people and run a cash register etc.) we could create a sort of tea house in the large downstairs hall, next to the terrace. It could be open from, say, 10 to 5 -- after the B&B guests have had their breakfast, and not in the evenings when we would do things like house concerts, expositions, lectures, etc. *IF* we are allowed to do this, by the city, it would probably be more profitable than renting that room out to businesses, simply because of the occupancy rate. So... I'm curious. I sent a long mail to the proper authority at the Bunnik city hall, asking what we are allowed and not allowed to do.
And when I hear back (from the City, from the appraiser, from Koert-Jan about other potential investors) I'll write again!
Although this doesn't really have anything to do with our house or our plans, I do have to write one paragraph (or two) about that book. "Stern men" by Elizabeth Gilbert. I didn't like it. Of course, I had to finish it, because I'm like that... if I walk into a room and there's a really stupid TV show on, I always get sucked in and end up watching to the end. But with a TV show, it's usually just an hour or two that's wasted. For this whole book, it was 6 hours or so, wasted. Very depressing.
Why didn't I like it? It was well-written, sure. But the plot was centered around a community of lobster fishermen, most of whom were small-minded, distrustful, arrogant, ignorant, etc., including the heroine. In the last chapter, the heroine makes a transformation, which in turn tranforms much of the community -- a "feel good" ending, even if it isn't very believeable. But 274 out of 287 pages were pre-transformation. Ugh. Nothing uplifting or thought-provoking. Just page after page, with me reading as fast as I can, hoping that one character or another will stop being so clueless. But no. Sigh.
My life, I'm happy to say, is full of transformations. It could be said that there are too many transformations, too much chaos, too many interests and activities. But at least I'm not in a rut, doing the same thing over and over again, expecting sometime to get a different result.
With the house in Bunnik, it even looks like the changes and developments are actually leading somewhere useful. And it looks like (with some adjustments to our planning) we'll still be able to do it with a new baby. THAT was quite a transformation -- after 5 years of trying to get pregnant, we finally gave up and decided to focus on other things, and then, surprise! I'm just 8 weeks along, and anything can happen, but so far I feel great.
On May 20th, we met with our contact at the Rabobank. He had read our whole plan and had a sheet with comments on it to share with us. First he said that the plan was just about the most comprehensive and detailed plan he had ever seen. If anything, it contained too much information -- only because of the time it took to read it. (But the parts that we could have left out, as far as a bank is concerned, are just the parts that make it unique and interesting to a private investor, so I don't feel like it was a waste of time to write it all.)
His comments were all useful and it won't be too difficult to make the changes. Some things, like a month-by-month liquiditeitsprognose for the first two years, need to be written up by an accountant. But happily, Koert-Jan (our investor-finder helper) is also an accountant and he said those tables wouldn't be hard to do. It will help, though, if we first figure out the exact worth of the house with an appraisal. So I am working on that now. Once we have an appraisal, we can figure out the execution value of the house (what it would raise in a forced sale). That is typically 85% of the fair market value, and the bank is prepared to loan 90% of that (or 76% of the fair market value). The rest (24% of the fair market value, plus our investment costs, plus or minus any difference between the fair market value and the price we agree on with the owners) is what we need to raise ourselves (with help from Koert-Jan.)
Now, because we are a start-up business, there is some extra help available from the goverment in the form of a state-guaranteed loan, which the Rabobank could arrange for us. It won't cover the whole remainder (we still need to bring in around 30%) but it could add a few 100,000's so that we would need less from private investors. The conditions are rather strenuous -- you have to be able to show that you can pay off all the bank and state-guaranteed loans within 12 years. Our projections show that we could do this -- but, our projections need a little more support, according to the Rabobank. They would ideally like to see a list of users who are willing to commit ahead of time to renting various rooms. I'm working on that part, but it is a bit troublesome. How do you get companies and organisations to commit to renting a space that they haven't seen and that doesn't even exist yet? I've got one guy, though, through LinkedIn, who says he's willing to "commit" to 50 days per year for his trainings. Apparently, they book all their trainings at least 6 months in advance and still have trouble finding locations sometimes and have to cancel their programs. So, I am hopeful that I can put together a list.
In the meantime, I've also talked with a few contacts (again through LinkedIn, what a useful forum!) about other possibilities. A woman who is an artist and trainer (Mieke) told me how art expositions typically work. In a building like Het Huis aan de Brug, we could set up new exhibitions every 6 weeks or so. We would arrange the lighting, etc., the publicity, the opening (which we could combine with a concert or other activity), and then we could ask for 15-20% of what the artist earns on sales. She also knows a woman who organizes art fairs, where many artists come together in one location, with booths and displays and such. That all sounds like a lot of fun, as well as a way to add a little income. And also a nice way to meet artists who might like to do a course or workshop in one of our rooms.
After talking to another contact, Sander, we've decided to set aside one of the rooms as a practice room and rent it out specifically to other therapists. At first I thought this would be a problem, because of course you can't ask a therapist (doing several one-on-one sessions with people for maybe 60 Euro per session) to pay as much as a business holding a team-building activity. But, I found a practice room in a location in De Bilt where they are doing just that: morning, afternoon, and evening blocks, 7 days a week, with therapists signing up for a particular block and commiting to 3 months of use. Their room is *completely* booked (except for some openings on Saturday and Sunday) and they have a waiting list. So.... we might not earn as much per block as we would from businesses, but we can make up for that with a very high occupancy rate. And then it would work, financially. This is very cool, because I really like the idea of having different therapists working together under our roof (sharing ideas, clients, advertising, etc.)
The last "transformation" happened yesterday, when Paulus was talking with our friends Edi and Annelies at the Ledig Erf. I sent them the link to the latest version of our plan, last week, and they've had a chance to look at it... and they are seriously interested in investing with us! Wow! For them, I need to do a bit more research, because they see a lot of unused potential. With their help (specifically guidance on how to hire people and run a cash register etc.) we could create a sort of tea house in the large downstairs hall, next to the terrace. It could be open from, say, 10 to 5 -- after the B&B guests have had their breakfast, and not in the evenings when we would do things like house concerts, expositions, lectures, etc. *IF* we are allowed to do this, by the city, it would probably be more profitable than renting that room out to businesses, simply because of the occupancy rate. So... I'm curious. I sent a long mail to the proper authority at the Bunnik city hall, asking what we are allowed and not allowed to do.
And when I hear back (from the City, from the appraiser, from Koert-Jan about other potential investors) I'll write again!
Tuesday, May 19, 2009
May 19
Well, things are moving quickly now....
Yesterday, the 18th, we met with Koert-Jan de Weert to talk about investers. Of course he couldn't promise anything, but he was very positive. He's going to take our plan around to his circle of contacts and see what he can put together -- and perhaps he can even get more investers than we are seeking, so that we can borrow less from a bank.
He explained the advantages of working with investers this way: a bank is an institution that in general brings you an umbrella when the sun is shining, and takes it away when it starts to rain. But an invester (if you hook up with the right kind) is usually someone in their later years, who made a lot of money as an entrepreneur, and would like to use their savings to help new entrepreneurs. Especially now, when the alternative is to invest their savings in stocks and banks that are almost completely removed from the actual person or business they are supporting. If we could connect with this sort of invester, he or she would probably be someone who is personally excited about our vision, someone who would drop by regularly to see how it's going, offer encouragement and advice, talk up our project among his or her friends.... In short, it sounded totally in keeping with our way of thinking and working.
Koert-Jan also explained a little how investment contracts work. Banking laws prohibit investers in the Netherlands from lending money to someone for more than a year -- if you do that, then you are acting like a bank and cutting into their business. So companies like Koert-Jan's have set up ways to work around this, so that the loan is called something else. The invester gets a sort-of share in the project, which we can later buy back from the invester. The result is that we can be more relaxed -- the invester (being a former entrepreneur himself or herself) knows that the first years can be slow, and they are looking at the long-term. When it rains, metaphorically, they won't come pounding at the door demanding their payments, but will come with a hammer and nails to help secure the roof.
In short, a very positive and eye-opening experience. Before talking with Koert-Jan, I had the impression that investers were mostly worse than banks -- that in general they demand their money back more quickly, with higher interest, and are more likely to want to take over your show and run it the way they see fit. I'm glad to learn this is just a negative stereotype! (with perhaps some basis in truth -- I'm sure there are investers like that, as well.)
So, after talking with Koert-Jan, I made the last changes to the business plan, added our resumes and scans of the floorplans at the end, and sent it off to him electronically to take around to his millionaire friends. He doesn't have time until the end of this week, so I'm hoping maybe early next week we'll have some preliminary reactions from him....
Meanwhile, I had contact with someone at Triodos (after playing a lot of phone tag and message forwarding, to get to the right person for our project) and sent her the electronic version of the plan as well. She'll review it and get back to us in a few days to make an appointment.
And Wednesday (tomorrow) we go to the Rabobank, whose representative has been reviewing the plan since last Thursday.
I've told people at the shop that I definitely want to stop (even though I don't know for sure what will happen in Bunnik) and we're getting ready to tell our landlord that we are definitely going to move....
Saturday I turn 45, and we're going to have a party for friends and family in the garden (it is supposed to be beautiful weather -- I need to get out and do some work on the flower beds....)
And next week Tuesday I have an appointment with the local midwife. It seems that I am 10 weeks pregnant (and I thought I was just pre-menopausal....)
Life sure is interesting.
Yesterday, the 18th, we met with Koert-Jan de Weert to talk about investers. Of course he couldn't promise anything, but he was very positive. He's going to take our plan around to his circle of contacts and see what he can put together -- and perhaps he can even get more investers than we are seeking, so that we can borrow less from a bank.
He explained the advantages of working with investers this way: a bank is an institution that in general brings you an umbrella when the sun is shining, and takes it away when it starts to rain. But an invester (if you hook up with the right kind) is usually someone in their later years, who made a lot of money as an entrepreneur, and would like to use their savings to help new entrepreneurs. Especially now, when the alternative is to invest their savings in stocks and banks that are almost completely removed from the actual person or business they are supporting. If we could connect with this sort of invester, he or she would probably be someone who is personally excited about our vision, someone who would drop by regularly to see how it's going, offer encouragement and advice, talk up our project among his or her friends.... In short, it sounded totally in keeping with our way of thinking and working.
Koert-Jan also explained a little how investment contracts work. Banking laws prohibit investers in the Netherlands from lending money to someone for more than a year -- if you do that, then you are acting like a bank and cutting into their business. So companies like Koert-Jan's have set up ways to work around this, so that the loan is called something else. The invester gets a sort-of share in the project, which we can later buy back from the invester. The result is that we can be more relaxed -- the invester (being a former entrepreneur himself or herself) knows that the first years can be slow, and they are looking at the long-term. When it rains, metaphorically, they won't come pounding at the door demanding their payments, but will come with a hammer and nails to help secure the roof.
In short, a very positive and eye-opening experience. Before talking with Koert-Jan, I had the impression that investers were mostly worse than banks -- that in general they demand their money back more quickly, with higher interest, and are more likely to want to take over your show and run it the way they see fit. I'm glad to learn this is just a negative stereotype! (with perhaps some basis in truth -- I'm sure there are investers like that, as well.)
So, after talking with Koert-Jan, I made the last changes to the business plan, added our resumes and scans of the floorplans at the end, and sent it off to him electronically to take around to his millionaire friends. He doesn't have time until the end of this week, so I'm hoping maybe early next week we'll have some preliminary reactions from him....
Meanwhile, I had contact with someone at Triodos (after playing a lot of phone tag and message forwarding, to get to the right person for our project) and sent her the electronic version of the plan as well. She'll review it and get back to us in a few days to make an appointment.
And Wednesday (tomorrow) we go to the Rabobank, whose representative has been reviewing the plan since last Thursday.
I've told people at the shop that I definitely want to stop (even though I don't know for sure what will happen in Bunnik) and we're getting ready to tell our landlord that we are definitely going to move....
Saturday I turn 45, and we're going to have a party for friends and family in the garden (it is supposed to be beautiful weather -- I need to get out and do some work on the flower beds....)
And next week Tuesday I have an appointment with the local midwife. It seems that I am 10 weeks pregnant (and I thought I was just pre-menopausal....)
Life sure is interesting.
Tuesday, May 12, 2009
Now it is May...
Well, a lot has been happening even though I haven't been blogging for a while....
I've been writing like crazy on the business plan, making more and more improvements to the content, and then every time getting native Dutch speakers to read it and make corrections... it is a long and slow process, and yet....
I'm glad that I'm doing it. Even if we don't get the necessary loans and can't buy the house. Because the whole process is a good reminder to me that I can do more than slice bread and order milk and check people out at the cash register. I can take initiatives, do research, organize my results, inspire other people to want to help me with extra information and ideas. Where this will all lead me, I have no idea, but at least it is leading me out of the shop.
I'm going to disturb the chronological order here a moment and describe one of the more recent chapters in this adventure. I made contact with a friend of a friend, Carole Anne. We met some time ago at a house concert at Anne Ku's. Anne reminded me that Carole Anne had a background at a bank, something to do with investing, and I decided there was no harm in emailing her to ask if she might be willing to read our plan and comment on it. Well, it turned out that Carole Anne is a very busy professional in Amsterdam, who used to read and evaluate 300 business plans a month for ABNAMRO -- now she does private consulting. And she would be happy to read the plan. !! I mailed it off, and about a week later, I got an email back: could we meet in Amsterdam on Friday May 8, to talk about it over lunch? Of course, I said yes. But I was nervous. Were there so many problems with the plan that she didn't want to take the time to write them all in an email? Easier just to name them all and let me take notes between bites of our sandwiches?
It turned out, in fact, that Carole Anne thought our plan was extremely well done, better than many she used to read each month -- so good, in fact, that if I were in an MBA program, I could submit it as my thesis. Wow!
And yes, she also had tips, which were very helpful and insightful and I've been busy adding them in. But even without the changes, she said it was already good enough to take to a bank. The changes will just make it better: I've added an index, and a one-page summary, and a "Sources and Uses" analysis, and a "break-even" analysis, and I've moved the mission statement back into the body of the plan.
But two main challenges remain. One, we are still talking about a huge sum of money, and Paulus and I can't demonstrate that we have experience handling that amount of money. And two, we don't have very much money of our own to bring into the project. If we could somehow hook up with an invester/partner who could help out in one or both areas, it would be a big help. So I continue to "broadcast" our dream in all directions.... Someone (or an organization) involved in hotels/lodgings/events management/restaurants & catering....
We met on Friday May 1 with one potential partner -- an organic caterer named Edsart, with his wife Ellen. All of us went to the Dorpsstraat and had a tour of the place together. We talked there, and later, about the possibility of us all working and living together in the house. Paulus and I would handle the treatments and the bed & breakfast, and Edsart and Ellen would handle the food and the room rental. But we decided that it would be too much: it is hard enough dividing tasks and taking care of everyone's needs in a relationship with two people -- but to do it with four adults plus two children, and at the same time start up an expensive business venture from scratch -- it just sounds like a recipe for disaster. So we agreed to keep it at a regular business level: Paulus and I do our thing, and hire them in as needed for the catering, from their current location. If we are totally busy and calling them 6 days a week, then we can all discuss the possibility of them relocating and getting "hired" permanently. Now... in the meantime I don't know if they want to invest financially... but we want to get positive word from a bank first before we ask people point-blank about money.
Plus Edi, the friend of Paulus' with two successful bars in Utrecht, remains a possibility. If he and his wife wanted to be partners/investers, I think that would impress a bank a lot. Again, we're going to wait until we have more details before asking them directly. But we know already that they are excited for us, and also that they know a lot of other people in the business...
Next Monday we go to meet with another friend of a friend, who runs a marketing and investment company. I sent him an introductory email with a brief description of the project and he responded very positively. His point of view was basically, if the plan is sound (ie it will make a profit) and if it is our dream and we are really passionate about it, there will be a way to do it. Where there is a will, there's a way.
A few other interesting events in the last weeks: We attended two events for Triodos shareholders. (Triodos is an independent European bank that invests in green and sustainable projects) One was organized at Antropia Cultuur- en Congrescentrum in Zeist-Driebergen (on the estate of Landgoed Reehorst.) Antropia is a very upscale yet new-agey/alternative sort of center (all the conference rooms are named after crystals and gemstones, their meals are all organic, etc.) which has received funding and support from Triodos. We heard lots of versions and perspectives on the Triodos philosophy... and kept nodding and looking at each other... surely they will like our project as well? We also heard about how fast they are growing -- apparently in the last year, with all the financial troubles, lots of people decided to take their money out of the banks they were using and bring it to Triodos. Their deposits grew an amazing 10%! I forget how many hundreds of millions of Euros that is -- but it is a lot, and all that money has to get put somewhere. Naturally, not all of it can get put into risky start-up projects, but maybe just a little....
I've been writing like crazy on the business plan, making more and more improvements to the content, and then every time getting native Dutch speakers to read it and make corrections... it is a long and slow process, and yet....
I'm glad that I'm doing it. Even if we don't get the necessary loans and can't buy the house. Because the whole process is a good reminder to me that I can do more than slice bread and order milk and check people out at the cash register. I can take initiatives, do research, organize my results, inspire other people to want to help me with extra information and ideas. Where this will all lead me, I have no idea, but at least it is leading me out of the shop.
I'm going to disturb the chronological order here a moment and describe one of the more recent chapters in this adventure. I made contact with a friend of a friend, Carole Anne. We met some time ago at a house concert at Anne Ku's. Anne reminded me that Carole Anne had a background at a bank, something to do with investing, and I decided there was no harm in emailing her to ask if she might be willing to read our plan and comment on it. Well, it turned out that Carole Anne is a very busy professional in Amsterdam, who used to read and evaluate 300 business plans a month for ABNAMRO -- now she does private consulting. And she would be happy to read the plan. !! I mailed it off, and about a week later, I got an email back: could we meet in Amsterdam on Friday May 8, to talk about it over lunch? Of course, I said yes. But I was nervous. Were there so many problems with the plan that she didn't want to take the time to write them all in an email? Easier just to name them all and let me take notes between bites of our sandwiches?
It turned out, in fact, that Carole Anne thought our plan was extremely well done, better than many she used to read each month -- so good, in fact, that if I were in an MBA program, I could submit it as my thesis. Wow!
And yes, she also had tips, which were very helpful and insightful and I've been busy adding them in. But even without the changes, she said it was already good enough to take to a bank. The changes will just make it better: I've added an index, and a one-page summary, and a "Sources and Uses" analysis, and a "break-even" analysis, and I've moved the mission statement back into the body of the plan.
But two main challenges remain. One, we are still talking about a huge sum of money, and Paulus and I can't demonstrate that we have experience handling that amount of money. And two, we don't have very much money of our own to bring into the project. If we could somehow hook up with an invester/partner who could help out in one or both areas, it would be a big help. So I continue to "broadcast" our dream in all directions.... Someone (or an organization) involved in hotels/lodgings/events management/restaurants & catering....
We met on Friday May 1 with one potential partner -- an organic caterer named Edsart, with his wife Ellen. All of us went to the Dorpsstraat and had a tour of the place together. We talked there, and later, about the possibility of us all working and living together in the house. Paulus and I would handle the treatments and the bed & breakfast, and Edsart and Ellen would handle the food and the room rental. But we decided that it would be too much: it is hard enough dividing tasks and taking care of everyone's needs in a relationship with two people -- but to do it with four adults plus two children, and at the same time start up an expensive business venture from scratch -- it just sounds like a recipe for disaster. So we agreed to keep it at a regular business level: Paulus and I do our thing, and hire them in as needed for the catering, from their current location. If we are totally busy and calling them 6 days a week, then we can all discuss the possibility of them relocating and getting "hired" permanently. Now... in the meantime I don't know if they want to invest financially... but we want to get positive word from a bank first before we ask people point-blank about money.
Plus Edi, the friend of Paulus' with two successful bars in Utrecht, remains a possibility. If he and his wife wanted to be partners/investers, I think that would impress a bank a lot. Again, we're going to wait until we have more details before asking them directly. But we know already that they are excited for us, and also that they know a lot of other people in the business...
Next Monday we go to meet with another friend of a friend, who runs a marketing and investment company. I sent him an introductory email with a brief description of the project and he responded very positively. His point of view was basically, if the plan is sound (ie it will make a profit) and if it is our dream and we are really passionate about it, there will be a way to do it. Where there is a will, there's a way.
A few other interesting events in the last weeks: We attended two events for Triodos shareholders. (Triodos is an independent European bank that invests in green and sustainable projects) One was organized at Antropia Cultuur- en Congrescentrum in Zeist-Driebergen (on the estate of Landgoed Reehorst.) Antropia is a very upscale yet new-agey/alternative sort of center (all the conference rooms are named after crystals and gemstones, their meals are all organic, etc.) which has received funding and support from Triodos. We heard lots of versions and perspectives on the Triodos philosophy... and kept nodding and looking at each other... surely they will like our project as well? We also heard about how fast they are growing -- apparently in the last year, with all the financial troubles, lots of people decided to take their money out of the banks they were using and bring it to Triodos. Their deposits grew an amazing 10%! I forget how many hundreds of millions of Euros that is -- but it is a lot, and all that money has to get put somewhere. Naturally, not all of it can get put into risky start-up projects, but maybe just a little....
Sunday, April 12, 2009
business plan pdf? updated April 24
I think, just maybe, I've made a huge technological breakthrough.... It would be amazing....
I've been so busy with the corrections and additions to our business plan, most of which involve adding more tables with numbers. The new and improved version now has 25 pages. I want to make it possible for people to access it online, but I wasn't looking forward to adding all the new material by hand again on our website. It is an interesting intellectual puzzle, in a way, building tables in html, but it takes soooo long.
I thought it would be much better if I could figure out how to put a pdf file on the website. Which meant first figuring out how to make a pdf file, and then getting it on the site. My version of Microsoft Word doesn't do pdf... but I found a free software package online called OpenOffice that was able to open my Word file and then save it as pdf, without mutating it too badly. And then, with one line of html text... on the very first try... voila! A functioning pdf download link on the front page of our website!!!
And if all goes well, I can duplicate that success right here, with a direct link to the pdf download: www.innerfireworks.com/businessplan.pdf
Oh well. Didn't work on the first try. Let's give it another shot....
Now it works, and it is even updated, and "all" I have to do is translate it into English now! Which is actually a rather big priority because we are having dinner with a professional American pianist on Sunday, and he and his wife might be interested in getting involved with our project somehow....
I've been so busy with the corrections and additions to our business plan, most of which involve adding more tables with numbers. The new and improved version now has 25 pages. I want to make it possible for people to access it online, but I wasn't looking forward to adding all the new material by hand again on our website. It is an interesting intellectual puzzle, in a way, building tables in html, but it takes soooo long.
I thought it would be much better if I could figure out how to put a pdf file on the website. Which meant first figuring out how to make a pdf file, and then getting it on the site. My version of Microsoft Word doesn't do pdf... but I found a free software package online called OpenOffice that was able to open my Word file and then save it as pdf, without mutating it too badly. And then, with one line of html text... on the very first try... voila! A functioning pdf download link on the front page of our website!!!
And if all goes well, I can duplicate that success right here, with a direct link to the pdf download: www.innerfireworks.com/businessplan.pdf
Oh well. Didn't work on the first try. Let's give it another shot....
Now it works, and it is even updated, and "all" I have to do is translate it into English now! Which is actually a rather big priority because we are having dinner with a professional American pianist on Sunday, and he and his wife might be interested in getting involved with our project somehow....
Monday, April 6, 2009
update through 7 april
I'm going to keep this short because I am still very busy with re-writing and improving our business plan. It has evolved a lot, thanks to great input and feedback (from Jaap and from Wendy especially, thank you!)
When I have time, I'll come back here to write some more about:
Peter de Wit and his advice about monuments, renovation, and subsidies.
Reaction from our friend Ron's colleagues.
Finding information about the "Energy Ball" on the internet -- a very cool modern wind-powered energy generator.
Meanwhile we are busy with tax returns and a few klussen -- I am helping Paulus with painting and sanding -- and Paulus is studying every morning for his pathology exams (he passed the first of three, last week! hurray!) We are getting more B&B guests and Shiatsu clients, which is good, because I am hoping to stop at Rio de Bio very soon.
When I have time, I'll come back here to write some more about:
Peter de Wit and his advice about monuments, renovation, and subsidies.
Reaction from our friend Ron's colleagues.
Finding information about the "Energy Ball" on the internet -- a very cool modern wind-powered energy generator.
Meanwhile we are busy with tax returns and a few klussen -- I am helping Paulus with painting and sanding -- and Paulus is studying every morning for his pathology exams (he passed the first of three, last week! hurray!) We are getting more B&B guests and Shiatsu clients, which is good, because I am hoping to stop at Rio de Bio very soon.
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